Donald Loves Whoopi
by Donald Leeper

I FIRST became aware of Whoopi's existence during my 10- year association with Mt. Tabor Monastery. During this decade of religious life I rarely attended the cinema or listened to music. The Church didn't want us to see images or hear sounds that would lead to unchaste thoughts or desires. By the time I went to see Sister Act (because it had a very wholesome and religious title) I hadn't even looked at a picture of an interesting woman for years.

There in the dim light of the theater I met Whoopi. She acted, danced, and sang her way into my psyche and heart. I was infatuated with her; her thin body, bewitching voice, and her wigs. I liked the way her body moved. She had an earthy wood nymph look and her face shone like a' primeval Jungle Queen. Whoopi made me aware of women again. She became the Woman in my life. I desperately held on to warm, loving, romantic fantasies about her. I bought the music of the picture and I played it repeatedly i sometimes touching my penis (but never to the point of release), as she sang, "Give it to me, give it to me," over and over.

EVEN THE great Cocoon of the Church couldn't stop me from learning about her. I found out that she had a brief career as a prostitute, lived on welfare, and said "motherfucker" a lot. Since I have left the Church and developed a taste for Hip-Hop music I say that only Yo-Yo can deliver the m-f word with more authority than Whoopi.

I learned that she was unlucky in love. I knew that she preferred to date white men. When she was going through a well-publicized affair with Ted Danson I had with clarity the image in my head of Ted and Whoopi doing it doggy-style.) I celebrated her good fortune. I read about her marriage to a Ted Danson look-alike and how she wrote obscenities on the roofs of buildings at her home so that helicopters who were sent by the media to take unwanted pictures of her wedding would have some editorial comment on their intrusion.

Since I have busted free from the rules and regulations of the Church, I have caught up with Whoopi's work. I have viewed most of her motion pictures (although at the video store I am constantly discovering some new unknown-to-me video) and I have seen her as a stand-up comic. She is an amazing, versatile, and talented performer. Her abilities range from serious studies like The Color Purple to multi-image projections in Jumpin' Jack Flash and the loving but homicidal escaped mental patient of Homer and Eddie, and she is constantly appearing as the MC at many major events. Her language (that is peppered with four letter words) reflects her origins. Whoopi is stand-up, sassy, and out- spoken. This girl is keeping it real and getting down, and she is not afraid to kick some butt. She will always have a place in my heart."

Urgent appeal: I have heard on the radio and have seen in print (even in a comic book) the satirical comment that no one would buy or be interested in seeing photos of a nude Whoopi Goldberg. Well this white boy would like to see Whoopi naked and if you have some of these priceless photos in your personal collection please send them to me in care of The Dagger.

Peace and love.

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